When home is different than you remember.

It didn't quite happen suddenly that going back to "The Eau" was different, it snuck up on me, one small thing at a time. First it was Mom moving moving out, then a summer with only Dad in the house, and now the For Sale sign that really seems to almost haunt me while I'm there.

Many things are the same, Dad still spends most of my time home fixing my car.

The beach is still there, and the beach glass can still be found if you take your time. The boys love being there, but now spending their time between two places instead of the one stable place I've always called home.

With my job ending, and a bit of an identity crisis that you know I've been dealing with, a slip back into a depression that I haven't felt since after William was born, the change in going home just seems like icing on the cake.

 

I'm pretty sure that I'm searching for something that I may not find again, and how do you get over that?

Being okay with being done.

While struggling with all these identity issues these days while looking for a job I've also been struggling with letting go of wanting to have a third child. My dear husband has known for some time that two was enough and I have been rather adamant that two is "not my number" that there was something inside that I could not quiet saying "one more, three is your number."

I had a bit of an epiphany last week. For the first time, maybe ever, when a close friend told me she was expecting I didn't feel jealous, I was just happy for her. I didn't relate her news to something I wasn't doing or having, I just felt relieved that her journey was continuing in a way that she was more than ecstatic about.

 

This might seem like a small thing, but after feeling an empty womb syndrome for what seems like since the moment little man #2 was born, it was a big deal. I felt like a decision in my heart and my head had finally been made and I was okay with it.

 



I have two amazing boys, who are full of life and teach me something new everyday. I am working to become a doula and possibly a childbirth educator so I will ensure that I am able to help other woman and families through their journeys, but I feel now that it is their journey and not my own. I'm not sure the feeling of wanting more children ever quiet goes away, but being content with two feels more natural than it ever has before, and I'm celebrating that.

Yep I'm a goalie mom!

So being a hockey mom was not a dream of mine, even with two boys. I grew up playing baseball and my husband grew up playing soccer so really in our house hockey was a passing thought (they may revoke our Canadian citizenship for typing that!). Until now . . .

 

 

Not only did I endure 1/2 a season as a hockey mom when boy 1 wanted to play late into the season, but now we are doing summer 3-on-3 hockey, and yep he's the goalie. He had been asking and we figured that at 10 weeks it's a great chance for him to try it out. But I was not quiet prepared about how I would feel everytime the puck came near him, how much for acute I would be while watching the game, and how I would hold my breath while he tried his best to save that little black piece of rubber.

 

Two games in and he loves it! He even received the game puck his first game from the ref for a game well played, and his first win. I'm so proud but I'm not sure my heart will be able to handle more than 10 weeks of this!

On the bright side!

Yes my last post was a bit of a pity party and I'm still feeling a bit down about it all and trying to sort out where I am and where I'm going, but one of the tactics that I'm using is to try to look on the bright side and today the bright side is these lovely photos from Jessica Weinstock of my pixie hats in action.

There is nothing better than seeing items that you have made being put to amazing use like this. I also have two to make for another photographer in NYC so I can't wait to see how she uses them.

Minor identity crisis.

I have to admit it, out loud, so people can hear . . . I am having an identity crisis.

For over 10 years I have worked in the non-profit sector, and other than being off on maternity leave with my two boys I have never not been working. Since my time at my last position ended I have been looking for something else in the field, but wondering if there is something else out there that I could and would do outside the non-profit field. While I love it and the fullfillment it brings it is trying, means weekends and nights sometimes and really puts a bit of a strain on my family when I cannot leave things at work.

Then there is the part of me that is a mother, the part that wants to be able to build a practice as a doula and someday a childbirth educator, the lady who knits hats for babies around the world who are not as lucky as most of the ones born here, possibly a better photographer? There is the part of me that is a wife, that would love to be more organized at home (but is never really good at it), and being able to support my husband in what he is doing in his career.

I don't feel like myself when I'm not working, it's not a validation thing but it is just that I've always done it, but this time off while searching for something new, something better, something that fits my family has thrown me off more than usual.

So what do I do? Any advice? I could use some right now.

Miss P.'s Birth - Doula Love

I haven't had a moment to write about the amazing birth that I was able to be part of three weeks ago today. I'm still smiling about it, and about the entrance of Miss P.

It started with the call around 4:30am from a bit of a worried sounding Mommy, she was sure her water had broke and she was positive she was in labour, not early labour, real labour. When I arrived at 5am yes she was, but was doing great, talking between contractions, walking around, finding different positions to find some comfort in.

A few hours later, a car ride to the hospital, an amazing effort from Mom to get herself to 7cm, and finally the need for an epidural to get her some relief we were able to take a break. I was so proud of mom! By 12:20 the epidural had done such a good job of relaxing her that she was at 10cm and ready to meet her babe.

With one nurse, one midwife and myself there was a feeling of calm as she gave a few pushes and this little one entered the world at 12:38pm with a little tiny cry. Mommy cut the cord herself, and put that baby on her chest like it was the most natural thing in the world. 3 hours later we were back at her house, baby settling in, and Momma having so well deserved watermelon.

 

I feel so prividged to have been part of this, to have learned from Mommy, baby and the nurses and midwife who were surround me. I am lucky to have been able to help give this strong young woman the experience she wanted, to have captured most of it in images she will cherish and show her daughter later. It is the best of both the worlds I love so much.

 



Time for change

I'm not good with change, in fact I suck at change. Since my time at my last position has ended and I'm on the search for a new job there's been more change than I am use to, rather than fight it, I'm making more, trying to embrace it, so hence the new looking blog!

I'm also trying to make little changes in the way I act, the way I present myself and the way I make a difference in the world. New knitting projects with a chance to make a difference in other places, a new venture with Thirty-one as an independant consultant, and a few weekends a year as a part of the Lansinoh team.

We will see what comes from it all. I have also made the committment to be a better blogger, so I've downloaded a great app called Roller Journal, so hopefully on the days I think that I have nothing to say it will prompt me to think outside the box.

So here we go!

Bye Bye Baby

After almost eight years together I am saying goodbye to the one item that might be with me more than my kids and my husband. My camera, seen here, my lovely Pentax!

Waiting in the wings and newly arrived is a Nikon 3200D, a couple lenses and a lot of learning to do.

And then something happens!

I can't believe how long it has been since I have blogged, but of course then something happens and I have time on my hands to be able to come back and write.

Currently I am on the search for a new career position as my last one has been cut do to funding issues. It's hard to think that this is the first time in my life I have been without a job. It's also hard to speak to those who don't understand that it's not just like going to apply at Tim Hortons, but that I have worked for the past 10 or more years on building a career that I love and would like to stay in.

AHHHHHH!

So what am I doing? I've re-opened the Etsy shop with great success, and I've been doing a little soul searching. I have a doula client on the go, and well there are always these two . . .

Special Project - The Planning

Many of the people that I know also know that I have a few crafty abilities. Often here or there I get asked for a baby gift here or there, or a camera strap, a scarf, I got a request over the weekend that was something different and was also quite touching.

I said yet before I knew I was getting into of course because I come from a place of "yes", and now I'm even more excited about it.

What can I tell you about this project? A friend's mother-in-law was a crochet gifter, who had made a blanket for and her husband, one for her daughter and had started one for her son while she was sick with cancer. The blanket never got finished but the finished piece has been sitting with my friend since then.

I am charged with the challenge of making it into a finished product. Since I do not know how to crochet and I'm sure this is not the project to learn on, I'm going to knit.

The top picture is what I have to work with, and the bottom one is the colours and stitching I have chosen. I went with a seed stitch to give it the texture that "grandma's piece" would have. While I've only gotten though a few rows, as you know seed stitch is a little harder on the wrists so this might be one that needs to be worked on in shifts.


This is what I'm thinking for the finished product, with the piece that I was given in the middle and the rest worked around it. I'm going to bind off the dark blue but continue the sides, and work a hole like to use to attach the middle. Or that's what I'm thinking. It may be different once I get there.

I am just more than honoured that my friend would ask me to finish this for her, to finish a memory for her son that he will have forever. Something to remember his grandmother, something to wrap himself in, something to grow into.

Life gets in the way . . .

I'm sure that all mommy bloggers encounter this, life getting in the way and before you know it it has been two months and you have no new posts and whatever followers you had before have left for better blogs!

I will try and put myself on a schedule and see how that goes, I do have lots to share, but until there here is what has been getting in the way:

- my big man is off to grade one in the fall
- my little man spends most of his days getting dirty
- we've been baking cakes and cupcakes for our friends
- even got a date night with my husband and dad to see the yankees play
- coached a season of ball for the first time
- t-ball ended
- and I even got a little sewing in!

I'm bringing the chevron back!

It is a classic, and if you look in your closet you have one, or several. Likely in pale yellow and green, maybe a little white in there. More often than not it has been crocheted by a lovely elderly member of your family or a close family friend. And 90 times out of 100 if you are a modern mommy no matter how good your heart is (and we know you have a good heart), you have never used it! There is no judgement here, I have several in that corner of the closet as well! No worries all my friends who are expecting, and there are quite a few of you, I'm giving the chevron a makeover thanks to The Purl Bee pattern that I found. Here is my first attempt!

Do you love it as much as I do? There were a lot of firsts in this for me. The first time using circular needles, two new stitches (techniques) to learn ***Thanks Kelly for the lessons!***, and my first time using a wool blend. It took a while to get the hang of the pattern but after a while it was easy and knit up very quickly. I love how heavy it is and how soft it feels. I also love that it's the perfect size for those babies I know who will end up coming this winter and need a little extra something in their carseat.

So yeah or neah, what are you thinking of the chevron makeover?

How involved do you get?

There is always a delima of how involved to you get? In anything really, but at the moment for me it is how involved do I get in my school's parent council? I have been going to the meetings for the better part of almost two years and now that my guy will be moving to grade 1 I want to be able to show him that we should be involved in his school life more.

But how much is too much? Is there such thing as too much and how do you navigate the system of moms who have been there longer, done more and created a circle? I am a well educated woman who has a professional job and I feel that I have something to offer. I believe that I am well spoken and would represent the school, our parents and our students well. But how far do you go to prove yourself if people are not willing to take you at face value? Any suggestions? Are you on your school's parent council? What are they doing well? What role have you taken within it?

Work life of course is going well and I have been able to start some blogging there as well so come and visit me over there at www.brantcountyspca.blogspot.com. You can't help but love being around things like this when you stop into the office.

So cute. I have yet to foster anything, and each time I'm in the staff remind me of that, or ask me "haven't you taken anything home yet?" Even the boys ask me when I'm bringing something home, today William would like a kitten, likely the one that I named after him yesterday who was already adopted before I got back to take his picture for my little man to see.

Do you support your local SPCA? I'd love to hear those stories, right after you are done giving me advice on the parent council issue!

Blogging is always the last thing to get done . . .

Although it is always fairly high on the list of things I "want" to do, it is never on the list of things that "get done" around here lately. So what has been taking up all my time? Life . . .

These rascals might have something to do with it. Somehow Andrew has turned two and I am still in complete denial. I'm not sure how we got to birth from here, it's really been far two quick for my liking. He is at such a great age though, something new each day, a new word, a new phrase, a new action. But the other part of him growing up is that I'm feeling the baby pull again, I didn't have it after William was born, but it's so strong now I feel it hard to look at wonderfully pregnant ladies, my womb feels empty and as much as I don't want more than three I can't explain my need for the third to my husband, and even when I do he just doesn't get it at all.

The other part of life that is keep my busy is the new job! I am back to loving what I do and that makes all the difference to me, my mood and the rest of my life at home as well. Although there have been a few difficult stories within what I do, mostly it's these guys . . .

 . . . I mean how great is that? Those faces and being able to watch them go to great homes really is rewarding. What is even better is that it's ground-up work for me, building a Facebook page, a Twitter account, brochures, postcards, event planning and donor relations. I get the best of everything.

Now if I could just be as good at getting back to the blog as I've been about my Picture A Day project . . . .





Things (4 to be exact)

Okay Liz over at Mable's House does this all the time and I love it so I'm stealing it outright and trying it myself and adding pictures! Let me know if it works, as in do you like it, and if you don't check Liz's out cause her are great.

1. I love my new office, and I love that I built my own desk and it hasn't fallen down yet.

2. This year was a banner Valentine's day as we made our own instead of store bought and I love the way they turned out.

3. This little man is getting more grown up every day and it is making me want another, his personailty is really showing, sweet and kind and a firecracker all at once.

4. I could not resist showing everyone what I get to hang out with at work, man life is good.